Emotional Eating

 Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future. ~ Deepak Chopra ~

I've never thought of myself as an emotional eater, but I'm starting to reconsider. I joined a new program that really addresses the psychological issues related to obesity, which is right up my alley as a psych major. I started reading one of the program's PDF's, and after the first few paragraphs I was close to tears. Essentially, it says many people eat to either replace something that's missing, or to avoid something. I can relate to both. So, I have a great family and a happy life, what could I be trying to replace you might wonder? Well, for one thing, I yearn for close female friendships, something I have never had. I'll work on fixing that problem later, right now just admitting it is huge. Another void is having a positive mother figure, in childhood and even now. I live in a very small, close knit community where families are close. Every time I hear about someone going to moms for dinner, vacationing with their parents, calling mom for advice, sending the kids to grandma's for a sleepover, and all the other things normal families do...I feel a huge void that will probably never be filled. I guess I need to let go of the hurt and anger, and move to acceptance. Again, admitting there is even a problem is a giant step for me. 

Avoiding is another issue. If I keep people away, I can't be hurt. Being fat is an easy defense mechanism. People write me off, and I allow it...in fact, it's what I want! I also avoid temptation that way. One addictive behavior replaces another. When I got married, I couldn't use men to fill the void anymore. I was terrified I'd mess up the best thing that had ever happened to me by being unfaithful. So I got fat, that keeps men away! 

I also avoid my feelings in any way I can (sex, drugs, alcohol, the internet, food). I'm afraid if I allow myself to have emotions, I'll turn into a basket case, like my mother, my aunt, my grandmother..who have all been wracked with emotional problems their entire life. I'd rather just turn them off. I feel like I'm better than that.  But I'm starting to see that masking my emotions with addictions doesn't actually make me better than anyone.

Of course stress is also a problem, with four children and a husband who is gone often. At the end of the day, I don't feel like preparing or thinking about healthy food. I'd rather get fried chicken strips, or some other junk. Unless of course I'm drinking..my other stress reliever. Then I want a salty crunchy snack so I can drink more, then I stay up too late, and feel awful the next day, so I don't want to do anything but sit on the couch.

This week I'm supposed identify why I want to lose weight, and how my life will be different. My answer is to be/feel stronger, and be able to do even more physically. I've never let my weight stop me from doing anything, but it would be nice to be better, faster, and stronger. I'd also love to be able to find cute clothes that flatter me, which is very difficult right now. My life will be different, because I will feel more confident. Who knows, maybe I'd be even able to make some friends.

I'm also supposed to evaluate on a scale of 1-10 how possible I think it is for me to permanently lose the weight. I'm at a 4-5 right now. Come up with one way to increase your belief..I have no idea! I'll keep thinking about that one. 

Next, I'm supposed to identify a faulty belief I have about my weight loss (ie if only I had x, then I could lose weight). I have a few of these off the top of my head. If only I didn't have a toddler at home, then I could focus on my weight. If only I lived closer to the mountains, then I could hike more and I'd lose weight. If only I had better genetics, then I'd be thin.

Finally, I need to think of a small 7 day goal, and identify what I really want in the long run. I have no idea for a 7 day goal, I always end up breaking them..but I think I'm going to start with my priorities. I waste too much time doing things that don't really benefit me. I need to make a list, even if it's just in my head, of what I really need to accomplish and chip away at it before getting sucked in to reading nonsense on facebook, drinking, or whatever other time waster I've chosen for the day.

In the long run, I want to be healthy, emotionally and physically. I want to feel Normal, whatever that is. I want to buy cute clothes, have meaningful friendships, and be a better mother. I want to find out who I am, and learn to love ME without my addictions.