Happy Mother's Day!

It’s mother’s day, and I thought I’d do something different. I usually dwell on the negative aspects of my relationship with my mother. I am still so hurt by my childhood, and with the way things ended a few years ago…our relationship finally obliterated beyond repair. When I see happy families, with moms and grandma’s who are close, it stings. I will never have that, and more importantly, my children will never have that. My grandparent’s house was my safe place growing up. I guess my kids don’t need that, since our family life is so good. They don’t need a safe haven like I did. But that isn’t what this blog is about. This blog is about golden linings (because I like gold waay better than silver!). So today, in honor of golden linings, I will celebrate the great things that my mother gave me.

For one thing, I was raised with an open mind. My mother was friends with all kinds of people. We often had brunches with her friends. Ted and his (male) partner usually hosted...he could serve up a mean brunch! He now owns a bed and breakfast by the way, Old Mill on the Falls…check him out if you’re in town. We always prepared a vegetarian dish or two for fellow bruncher (I know that isn’t a word!) Rose and her girlfriend. My mother dated exclusively black men after my father. I always say I was one man away from being mixed. Her friends came from all different backgrounds, and most of them were great people. I often wonder how she got lucky enough to have such people in her life. She taught me that people are people, regardless of race, sexual orientation, or income level. For that, I am grateful. Living in the tiny bible belt town I currently live in, I feel blessed to have been raised to be so accepting of others.

Another thing I have to thank my mother for is my wonderful husband Stephen. If it wasn’t for her, we probably wouldn’t be together today. She moved down here before I did, and he just happened to work at the same hotel she did the first year or so she was here. She found out he had the same birthday as me, and ended up showing him my picture. I had been planning to move down with my current boyfriend, and our almost two year old son. He told my mother that I should leave the boyfriend up north. Unfortunately, I did not! Every time I went to visit her at work (mere blocks from my apartment) he was there. He always took my son to get M&M’s from the vending machine, and swore he’d take him fishing one day. Eventually, my relationship with my son’s father fell apart. Soon after, Stephen and I hooked up. We got married on our birthday, and I have enjoyed almost eleven years of happiness. He has taken my oldest boy fishing many times, just as he promised. We also have three other children. He cooks, cleans, helps with the children, works full time, keeps the bills paid, fixes things around the house, and still manages to spoil me rotten in his spare time. Finding him was one of the best things that ever happened to me. He is so so good to me. He loves me no matter what, we rarely fight, he treats me like a queen, and everyone I know tells me how good I have it. He is just that amazing. If I can’t thank my mother for anything else, I have to thank her for bringing us together. Sure, it would be nice to have a mom I could call when I needed her, or for my kids to have a grandma to dote on them. But my husband is a gift that I am so thankful for. I wouldn’t trade him for the best mother in the world. I finally have someone to take care of ME (I took care of myself for so long) and my children have a full time daddy, something I always longed for. We are SO lucky!

So today, on mother’s day, I am thankful for the gifts my mother gave me.  She was far from ideal, but my life would not be what it is now without her…and my life is sooo good!

Glogster

Emotional Eating

 Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future. ~ Deepak Chopra ~

I've never thought of myself as an emotional eater, but I'm starting to reconsider. I joined a new program that really addresses the psychological issues related to obesity, which is right up my alley as a psych major. I started reading one of the program's PDF's, and after the first few paragraphs I was close to tears. Essentially, it says many people eat to either replace something that's missing, or to avoid something. I can relate to both. So, I have a great family and a happy life, what could I be trying to replace you might wonder? Well, for one thing, I yearn for close female friendships, something I have never had. I'll work on fixing that problem later, right now just admitting it is huge. Another void is having a positive mother figure, in childhood and even now. I live in a very small, close knit community where families are close. Every time I hear about someone going to moms for dinner, vacationing with their parents, calling mom for advice, sending the kids to grandma's for a sleepover, and all the other things normal families do...I feel a huge void that will probably never be filled. I guess I need to let go of the hurt and anger, and move to acceptance. Again, admitting there is even a problem is a giant step for me. 

Avoiding is another issue. If I keep people away, I can't be hurt. Being fat is an easy defense mechanism. People write me off, and I allow it...in fact, it's what I want! I also avoid temptation that way. One addictive behavior replaces another. When I got married, I couldn't use men to fill the void anymore. I was terrified I'd mess up the best thing that had ever happened to me by being unfaithful. So I got fat, that keeps men away! 

I also avoid my feelings in any way I can (sex, drugs, alcohol, the internet, food). I'm afraid if I allow myself to have emotions, I'll turn into a basket case, like my mother, my aunt, my grandmother..who have all been wracked with emotional problems their entire life. I'd rather just turn them off. I feel like I'm better than that.  But I'm starting to see that masking my emotions with addictions doesn't actually make me better than anyone.

Of course stress is also a problem, with four children and a husband who is gone often. At the end of the day, I don't feel like preparing or thinking about healthy food. I'd rather get fried chicken strips, or some other junk. Unless of course I'm drinking..my other stress reliever. Then I want a salty crunchy snack so I can drink more, then I stay up too late, and feel awful the next day, so I don't want to do anything but sit on the couch.

This week I'm supposed identify why I want to lose weight, and how my life will be different. My answer is to be/feel stronger, and be able to do even more physically. I've never let my weight stop me from doing anything, but it would be nice to be better, faster, and stronger. I'd also love to be able to find cute clothes that flatter me, which is very difficult right now. My life will be different, because I will feel more confident. Who knows, maybe I'd be even able to make some friends.

I'm also supposed to evaluate on a scale of 1-10 how possible I think it is for me to permanently lose the weight. I'm at a 4-5 right now. Come up with one way to increase your belief..I have no idea! I'll keep thinking about that one. 

Next, I'm supposed to identify a faulty belief I have about my weight loss (ie if only I had x, then I could lose weight). I have a few of these off the top of my head. If only I didn't have a toddler at home, then I could focus on my weight. If only I lived closer to the mountains, then I could hike more and I'd lose weight. If only I had better genetics, then I'd be thin.

Finally, I need to think of a small 7 day goal, and identify what I really want in the long run. I have no idea for a 7 day goal, I always end up breaking them..but I think I'm going to start with my priorities. I waste too much time doing things that don't really benefit me. I need to make a list, even if it's just in my head, of what I really need to accomplish and chip away at it before getting sucked in to reading nonsense on facebook, drinking, or whatever other time waster I've chosen for the day.

In the long run, I want to be healthy, emotionally and physically. I want to feel Normal, whatever that is. I want to buy cute clothes, have meaningful friendships, and be a better mother. I want to find out who I am, and learn to love ME without my addictions.